I haven’t written in a long while. Too long, perhaps.
Often I thought to write down everything that has happened, but after my father’s death I found it increasingly difficult to carry on the Duskryder tradition of documenting… -Several lines have been scratched out-. It is simply difficult to find words.
The Magister Soryen Arendyr is dead, and the Vanguard has been free for sometime now. I had devised a plan to clear our names, with the intent of taking the blame for the Magister’s crimes. As fate would have it, a priestess- I still cannot recall her name, if I had even heard it, spared me from the firing squad. Instead, I was placed under house arrest. This lasted until just recently, as Melathanore and Xynrael have cleared the matter so that I am free to perform my duties.
As things often go, our peace has not lasted long. We are now in quarrel with Ravenholt. I will write full account of this at a later date.
I should begin with Xynrael.
For sometime now, we have been separated. I have not felt pain or regret over the decision, despite my ill ease in his company now. I am sure he believes I am angry or hateful toward him, but this is not the case. Instead, I find myself feeling an unavoidable guilt when I look at him, despite my knowing that he is fully aware of my reasons for ending it. I never truly felt love for him, instead, I had settled for what I thought would be a suitable substitute and discovered myself wrong for it. Perhaps it is why I know this that…
-Several paragraphs worth of space appears empty.-
While I was occupied dealing with Arendyr, Olithea revealed herself to the Vanguard. While at first, I could not find words to express my displeasure at this, I’ve since found that she has thrived in their company. Shortly after she had begun her training with Mel, she was revealed to be none other than Dawntreader’s sister, Coria. While it confirms theories of her past that I had certainly wished to be wrong about, she seems happier now. Troublesome, but happy.
It would seem that family has become a prominent theme as of late. Ellithira and Jaen are expecting triplets. I’m proud of them.
Beyond such, I find my pride and appreciation growing to other members of the Vanguard. Everyday they feel more like kin to me. Perhaps it is to make up for my lack of contact with Daeryan since…
I may write again soon, but I can hear Mel conducting his nightly alcohol search…It’s odd, hearing him about the estate every night, but I have found myself more accustomed to the noise than I ever had been when Xynrael would tiptoe around. It’s almost comforting, actually. Light damn me should he ever know that, of course.
August 14th
Last night.
Last night, it felt as if everything had happened- as if all of the pieces to my life had fallen into place to form a picture of something warped, something horrifying, but something true. For once, despite the morbidity of it all, there was truth to it. In knowing this, I find both fear and relief…but mostly fear. Not of him, never of Mel- but of myself.
Perhaps I’m losing my mind again…
There was no pleasure from it, only a sense that at this time I could not possibly hope to describe.
I went to Xynrael after, in retrospect, it would have been far more intelligent to lie to him. To say I was off hunting. Though that would have involved some part of my mind thinking straight. Instead, I told him that the cut on my lip was the result of a branch and that my uneasiness was due to a fall.
It never ceases to amaze me how little he knows about me, how little he sees past the surface of silence and compliancy. Sometimes I wonder if any of them know that I worry, I cry, and I feel the pain from all of this. I find it more disturbing that even he doesn’t see it. He talked as if something horrific must have happened for me to be shaken so.
Jackson, for all his strengths, once again displayed his blatant lack of the ability to keep his mouth shut and came over to Xynrael, accusing him as the cause of my injuries…Perhaps it was Xynrael’s treatment of my friend that caused me to finally snap at him, perhaps it was that bourbon never eases my temper. Either way, the rest of the night we filled the inn with the sounds of raised voices and threats until I finally left to my room, and Jackson picked up where I had left off.
I didn’t stay for their argument, instead I left…Where’s that damn troll when you need him?
Last night, it felt as if everything had happened- as if all of the pieces to my life had fallen into place to form a picture of something warped, something horrifying, but something true. For once, despite the morbidity of it all, there was truth to it. In knowing this, I find both fear and relief…but mostly fear. Not of him, never of Mel- but of myself.
Perhaps I’m losing my mind again…
There was no pleasure from it, only a sense that at this time I could not possibly hope to describe.
I went to Xynrael after, in retrospect, it would have been far more intelligent to lie to him. To say I was off hunting. Though that would have involved some part of my mind thinking straight. Instead, I told him that the cut on my lip was the result of a branch and that my uneasiness was due to a fall.
It never ceases to amaze me how little he knows about me, how little he sees past the surface of silence and compliancy. Sometimes I wonder if any of them know that I worry, I cry, and I feel the pain from all of this. I find it more disturbing that even he doesn’t see it. He talked as if something horrific must have happened for me to be shaken so.
Jackson, for all his strengths, once again displayed his blatant lack of the ability to keep his mouth shut and came over to Xynrael, accusing him as the cause of my injuries…Perhaps it was Xynrael’s treatment of my friend that caused me to finally snap at him, perhaps it was that bourbon never eases my temper. Either way, the rest of the night we filled the inn with the sounds of raised voices and threats until I finally left to my room, and Jackson picked up where I had left off.
I didn’t stay for their argument, instead I left…Where’s that damn troll when you need him?
July 29th
Hypocrisy is a necessary evil with leadership.
With each passing day, I realize the truth in my father’s words.
Try as I might, I make decisions that damn those for choices that I too have made. I try to rationalize decisions by declaring that there must be a boundary between one’s professional, and personal, relationships.
Carkel Malarius claims that he has a hold on Raeynn Duskrose. He told me this upon the agreement that I would arrange for his release if he delivered full cooperation with myself and the Vanguard. This naturally meant that he had to be forced to realize that such an admittance results in nothing less than harsh and swift action.
This has once again forced a rift between Mel and myself. One that I am certain we will not reconcile. There is, as there always is when my relationship with him is threatened, a part of me that wants nothing more than to assure him the wrongs will be corrected. Of course, I can’t do this. Raeynn’s welfare may be at risk, and his brother only continues to give me reasons to damn him.
I’m in a panic now. Worried for my friend. Pain in knowing that I have lost Melathanore. Guilt, even though I know that for once, I made the correct choice…
How long can I continue to do this?
With each passing day, I realize the truth in my father’s words.
Try as I might, I make decisions that damn those for choices that I too have made. I try to rationalize decisions by declaring that there must be a boundary between one’s professional, and personal, relationships.
Carkel Malarius claims that he has a hold on Raeynn Duskrose. He told me this upon the agreement that I would arrange for his release if he delivered full cooperation with myself and the Vanguard. This naturally meant that he had to be forced to realize that such an admittance results in nothing less than harsh and swift action.
This has once again forced a rift between Mel and myself. One that I am certain we will not reconcile. There is, as there always is when my relationship with him is threatened, a part of me that wants nothing more than to assure him the wrongs will be corrected. Of course, I can’t do this. Raeynn’s welfare may be at risk, and his brother only continues to give me reasons to damn him.
I’m in a panic now. Worried for my friend. Pain in knowing that I have lost Melathanore. Guilt, even though I know that for once, I made the correct choice…
How long can I continue to do this?
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