Hypocrisy is a necessary evil with leadership.
With each passing day, I realize the truth in my father’s words.
Try as I might, I make decisions that damn those for choices that I too have made. I try to rationalize decisions by declaring that there must be a boundary between one’s professional, and personal, relationships.
Carkel Malarius claims that he has a hold on Raeynn Duskrose. He told me this upon the agreement that I would arrange for his release if he delivered full cooperation with myself and the Vanguard. This naturally meant that he had to be forced to realize that such an admittance results in nothing less than harsh and swift action.
This has once again forced a rift between Mel and myself. One that I am certain we will not reconcile. There is, as there always is when my relationship with him is threatened, a part of me that wants nothing more than to assure him the wrongs will be corrected. Of course, I can’t do this. Raeynn’s welfare may be at risk, and his brother only continues to give me reasons to damn him.
I’m in a panic now. Worried for my friend. Pain in knowing that I have lost Melathanore. Guilt, even though I know that for once, I made the correct choice…
How long can I continue to do this?
July 16th
I don’t think I’ve ever been so tired in my entire life…and I’ve had a relatively long life, all things considered. For the first time since my arrival in Stonard, I’ve been able to get out of that blasted inn for longer than fifteen minutes.
The sheer amount of paperwork caused by a deployment of this size is enough to drive me up the wall without the aid of everyone being at each other’s throats- including the officers.
Calthos is infuriated, just as I expected. I knew he wouldn’t take being told off easily, but it needed to be done. I can’t have him riling up my rangers over gadgets and gizmos or what have you. I don’t know what has gotten into him since his promotion, but he seems to have lost any concept of how to regard anyone but himself. Every time I turn around I seem to hear whispers of his ‘orders’ and his ridiculous conduct.
How he cannot understand the simple concept of respect is beyond me, but one thing is for sure…He will not order Mine around any longer.
The sheer amount of paperwork caused by a deployment of this size is enough to drive me up the wall without the aid of everyone being at each other’s throats- including the officers.
Calthos is infuriated, just as I expected. I knew he wouldn’t take being told off easily, but it needed to be done. I can’t have him riling up my rangers over gadgets and gizmos or what have you. I don’t know what has gotten into him since his promotion, but he seems to have lost any concept of how to regard anyone but himself. Every time I turn around I seem to hear whispers of his ‘orders’ and his ridiculous conduct.
How he cannot understand the simple concept of respect is beyond me, but one thing is for sure…He will not order Mine around any longer.
July 15th
"The lifespan of happiness in a soldier's life is short."
That was the first lesson I learned at the beginning of my training, and to this day it rings true. Ultimately, no matter how hard one tries to hope for the best, our natures will always win over...
We will lie. We will fight the wrong battle. We will give up.
As hurt as I am, I was not surprised to receive his letter, nor to actually set eyes on him at the graveyard. I was simply shocked by the betrayal. By his betrayal. It was one thing for him to protect his flesh and blood, even if Carkel is the scum of the earth- but to lie to me about it? I can't be certain that even if he had told me, I would have helped him shove it under the rug, but did he not owe me that opportunity after everything he has done and said for the sake of honesty?
The only true surprise to me was Carkel's behavior. The monster actually listened to reason. He allowed me to arrest him, and handed me Jaericho's fate...I would never utter these words out loud, but perhaps there is a degree of humanity left in him.
We have all been deployed to the Swamp of Sorrows. I arrived a few days before everyone else. The task was menial and is hardly worth detailing. Though, tonight, Xynrael and I spoke. Really spoke to each other. It was odd, as this is the first time in months that I can remember finishing an entire conversation with him...I even admitted the details of my brush with death to him.
I can't say that his words were of any real comfort, or that my outlook has changed much, but at least I know that he hasn't completely given up on me. It is odd how good that is to know, especially with a new battle on the horizon.
My only wish now is that I could find the same hope for Melathanore and I, but after all this...It feels irreparable. I know there was some reason to my reaction, but I cannot expect him to forgive me for imprisoning his brother for crimes I, myself have committed...
But ultimately, I cannot apologize for something that had to be done- by myself, or by another's hand.
That was the first lesson I learned at the beginning of my training, and to this day it rings true. Ultimately, no matter how hard one tries to hope for the best, our natures will always win over...
We will lie. We will fight the wrong battle. We will give up.
As hurt as I am, I was not surprised to receive his letter, nor to actually set eyes on him at the graveyard. I was simply shocked by the betrayal. By his betrayal. It was one thing for him to protect his flesh and blood, even if Carkel is the scum of the earth- but to lie to me about it? I can't be certain that even if he had told me, I would have helped him shove it under the rug, but did he not owe me that opportunity after everything he has done and said for the sake of honesty?
The only true surprise to me was Carkel's behavior. The monster actually listened to reason. He allowed me to arrest him, and handed me Jaericho's fate...I would never utter these words out loud, but perhaps there is a degree of humanity left in him.
We have all been deployed to the Swamp of Sorrows. I arrived a few days before everyone else. The task was menial and is hardly worth detailing. Though, tonight, Xynrael and I spoke. Really spoke to each other. It was odd, as this is the first time in months that I can remember finishing an entire conversation with him...I even admitted the details of my brush with death to him.
I can't say that his words were of any real comfort, or that my outlook has changed much, but at least I know that he hasn't completely given up on me. It is odd how good that is to know, especially with a new battle on the horizon.
My only wish now is that I could find the same hope for Melathanore and I, but after all this...It feels irreparable. I know there was some reason to my reaction, but I cannot expect him to forgive me for imprisoning his brother for crimes I, myself have committed...
But ultimately, I cannot apologize for something that had to be done- by myself, or by another's hand.
July 2nd
I am well now, Melathanore has disposed of Carkel, and Ellithiria is to be married. For once, it is a happy time in our lives. Even I feel less shaken as of late, despite the threat that is undoubtedly sitting around the corner.
Everyday, my acceptance of the events of late grows. Xynrael still isn’t around much, and when we are together it seldom goes beyond the confines of work. I know that my death and the subsequent hiding has taken a toll on us both. Looking at my relationship with him logically, I know it will be difficult to repair it…My marriage is crumbling. After all, it has been nearly two months and tonight was the first night we have spent together.
That is not the only pressure on us, I fear. Dinendal has come back…as a Death Knight, nonetheless. It is…confusing, but not because I wish to be with him, but only because I cannot categorize him. It is odd, his behavior…disturbingly normal. After hearing that he has joined the Vanguard, I cannot help but feel that something is off.
But, all this is irrelevant. For now, I will be happy. I will be grateful that for now, no one is trying to kill me, that she hasn’t shown her face again and that Elly will experience a happiness that I may never find again.
I will be happy...
Everyday, my acceptance of the events of late grows. Xynrael still isn’t around much, and when we are together it seldom goes beyond the confines of work. I know that my death and the subsequent hiding has taken a toll on us both. Looking at my relationship with him logically, I know it will be difficult to repair it…My marriage is crumbling. After all, it has been nearly two months and tonight was the first night we have spent together.
That is not the only pressure on us, I fear. Dinendal has come back…as a Death Knight, nonetheless. It is…confusing, but not because I wish to be with him, but only because I cannot categorize him. It is odd, his behavior…disturbingly normal. After hearing that he has joined the Vanguard, I cannot help but feel that something is off.
But, all this is irrelevant. For now, I will be happy. I will be grateful that for now, no one is trying to kill me, that she hasn’t shown her face again and that Elly will experience a happiness that I may never find again.
I will be happy...
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